I lost my husband to cancer more than three years ago. He was diagnosed in January, suffered for nine months and passed away in mid-October, leaving me and my children grief-stricken. Suddenly, the world went dark and silent.

If you knew my husband, you would understand why I use those terms. He was a gregarious, larger-than-life personality who brought light and laughter everywhere he went. Whenever he went off on his golfing, sailing or fishing trips, which was quite often, the house became quiet and dull, as a town would be after a tornado has passed through.

Until he was diagnosed, our lives had been full of excitement and adventure, because he was the sort of person who couldn’t be still for a minute. An out-and-out extrovert, he loved going on holidays and organising activities for his family and friends.

His demise left a gaping hole in our lives, not to mention a crisis of faith. Ever the pragmatic one, I dealt with his loss in the way I deal with all the challenges, hurts, upheavals and trauma in my life by telling myself, “It is what it is. Now, how can I find purpose in the pain?” The question took me on a journey that helped me deal with the abject grief that weighed down my soul.

I was blessed that I had the support of my immediate family and a great circle of friends and colleagues. However, there were a fair number of acquaintances who, after a period of time had passed, displayed a lack of understanding of the grieving process. This became evident in their comments on my social media pages or when we bumped into each other casually many months after my husband had passed away. 

“You need to move on.”

“Don’t grieve for him, he’s in a better place.”

“At least he’s not suffering anymore.”

“God knows best.”

I didn’t know whether to laugh or spit fire at them for statements like this. When I asked them if he they had ever lost a spouse the way I had, there was silence. That’s when I realised that many people do not know how to deal with those who are grieving.

You see, grief is not a project. It does not have a specified date on which it ends. It does not follow a prescribed number of stages that the grieving person MUST go through, like an exam with many different levels. Grief has no timeline – many signs of grief do not even appear till weeks or months, even years, after the loss. How the person died, how deep the bond we had with them, what kind of relationship we had can affect our emotional response and the time we need to grieve.

There is no formula for how to grieve or how to handle those who are grieving. It is a different journey for each and every person. No one can predict how any individual will handle their grief.

For me, throwing myself into work after my husband died was balm for the deep wound within my soul. Many people came and told me that I was in denial and using work to escape facing my grief. Whatever, I said to them. If it works for me, who is anyone to tell me otherwise?

There are, however, many people who find it difficult to work during the grieving process. A greater level of understanding from their colleagues and employers would go a long way in helping them ease back into work even as they try to overcome the cycle of grief.

The thing is, grief can punch you in the face anytime, anywhere, without warning. As a trainer who teaches people state management skills, I had long considered myself to be a person who could control her state at will. But grief would either creep up on me like a thief and steal my self-control, or it could hit me in the gut like a thug and leave me doubled up with pain. There was no running away from it or trying to control it, it pounced at the least expected moments and left me feeling helpless.

One thing the entire experience of grieving has done for me is to give me a heap of learnings on how to handle others who are grieving. I share some of them here:

• Don’t ask questions. Let them talk if they want to. If they don’t, just sit in silent companionship
• Don’t offer meaningless platitudes like “He’s at peace now” or “It’s God’s will.” At this point, they don’t really care and your words can be a red flag to their anger!
• Be a friend, not a therapist. Please don’t tell them how to grieve or for how long or to move in. You never move on FROM grief… you move on WITH it.
• Let them cry. Please for goodness’ sake, do not stop their tears because you are uncomfortable.
• Understand when they have days they don’t want to talk or see anyone.
• Be there with them on birthdays, anniversaries and holidays
• Help with practical things like taking care of the children, buying groceries, bringing food and so on. Let them know they can call on you anytime.
• Make an effort to go for the wake or funeral; if you can’t go after for the prayers for the departed, even if you are from another faith.
• If the grieving person is your co-worker, donate a vacation day to them and get others to do the same.
• Take over their workload while they are away and assure them it’s being covered.
• Offer assistance with tasks when they come back to work.
• Check in on them often to see how they are coping at work and offer support through your presence.